7 Phrases You Should Not Say to Women with (HG) Hyperemesis Gravidarum

Dec 10, 20226 min read

Updated: Dec 11, 2022

My experience with hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) was a nightmare. There's really no other way to put it. I was pregnant and starving to death at the same time. It is this experience that trained my ear to listen to phrases that have good intentions but are misguided or uninformed.

There are an increasing number of situations and stressors that lead us away from considering the long-term consequences of our speech. The more we gauge the health of our relationships, the more we see obstacles created by the words we've spoken. Then we turn those words into actions, which compound relational issues. Especially when words are shared in anger, resentment, or misinformation.

This prompted us to consider comments that are unhelpful when a friend or loved one is dealing with an illness. Although these comments focus on HG, we would like you to broaden these examples to include other diseases or challenging times that people may face.

As the body of Christ, it is imperative that we do not place stumbling blocks in front of each other.

Let us not give advice based on something unrelated to the problem. Someone who stubbed their toe on a bed corner, for example, should not compare their experience to someone who missed a step, fell, and broke their leg. This example may appear exaggerated due to its obvious differences. But we can all recall a time when we were given a suggestion based on an irrelevant experience.

To answer before listening—that is folly and shame. Proverbs 18:13 (NIV)

Proverbs 18:13 is quickly becoming one of my favorite scriptures. It's a not-so-subtle reminder that you must hear the entire story before responding. For those who are ill, this means that we must first gain a thorough understanding of their condition and personal experience before we can offer support that will be beneficial.

🙋🏾 Soo… I am guilty of throwing out suggestions in an effort to help. This is obviously not helpful. Serving someone requires intention.

Are you trying to help? Of course, you are. Well, then ask your friend or loved one what they need. It makes the conversation easier to navigate and it is less likely that your comments will make space for resentment later on in the relationship.

As you read the statement below outlining things you should not say to someone with HG, think of other situations where statements like these are also unhelpful.

All you need are saltine crackers and ginger ale.

As well-intentioned as this advice is, it just will not work with an HG pregnancy. Many women with HG would like nothing more than to eat crackers and drink ginger ale. That would have been a dream for me. But unfortunately, the crackers and ginger ale made a second debut all over the floor as I tried to make it to the bathroom. After a while, it becomes annoying to have people suggest this anecdote as if you couldn’t have thought of it yourself. Trust me, HG wouldn't be an issue if this was the solution.

There is no need to be concerned; morning sickness is a normal part of pregnancy.

Unfortunately, HG is often confused with morning sickness. This mistake is common since HG starts during the first trimester. Most pregnant women anticipate morning sickness. However, the frequency, intensity, and duration of HG and morning sickness differ. Morning sickness is not the same as vomiting like a cannonball throughout the pregnancy, which can cause weight loss, malnutrition, and other health problems. This situation is a legitimate cause for concern.

I worked throughout my pregnancy.

This is one of those comments that are not outright hateful, but it is unhelpful. Everyone has a unique experience that, in the right circumstances, should be shared. Even if you had HG and could work for the entirety of your pregnancy, this comment would still be unhelpful. There are women who enjoy their jobs and contributing financially to their families. Abruptly leaving a job because of an illness is not a reality many women envision when they get pregnant. Furthermore, having a lower income with a child on the way has financial implications. Reminding someone of your experience (or expectation) is not going to help the current situation.

You shouldn’t eat food you don’t like.

The reason women with HG vomit has nothing to do with their liking or disliking of the food. When I was pregnant, I had normal cravings, but I could not keep the food down. In some cases, I was still eating when the food started to come back up. It's gross, I know. I clarify this to dispel some of the stigma and blame that women may feel when such comments are made.

Since you are home, maybe you can take on more of the household duties.

Because of the lack of energy, there is no reason to believe a woman with HG, especially in severe cases, can continue to perform regular house duties. I know pregnant women all over the world are going about their daily duties. However, the ones with HG are probably lying on the bathroom floor silently crying because they are hungry and in pain (or that could have just been me).

Many two-income households will become one-income households, and I acknowledge that this is stressful. Unfortunately, the benefits of having a stay-at-home partner are unlikely in this situation. Yes, she can do some things, but it will be hard for her to care for the home with little to no energy. Instead of making guilt-inducing remarks, let's brainstorm ways to get help with the housework.

To avoid throwing up, sit up after eating.

This particular comment is good advice in most cases. According to Verywell Health, "lying down shortly after eating makes it easy for what's in your stomach to back up into your throat." Sitting upright allows gravity to move food in its natural path. People with HG are tired and nauseated all the time, which makes it hard for them to sit up for long periods of time. Not to mention that the food is likely to make a second appearance, whether they are sitting up or lying down.

The best thing you can do is get up and move around.

The comment above is another example of solid advice that is misguided and inappropriate for the situation. The first error is assuming that this is the best option for the situation. The more obvious issue could be a lack of knowledge. Pregnant women with HG are in a perpetual state of fatigue. It will be very hard for them to move around as they did before. If your loved one with HG can move around, prepare to be a support pillar in case they get tired.

The importance of this can't be overstated.

Many of these statements can come across as condescending or passing blame. A couple of the statements are just bad advice for the situation. For most people, this experience is new. By the time you get used to it (if that's a thing), it will be over, and the baby will be here.

Doing research and asking questions is often better than trying to provide advice for a situation you have never personally experienced. This may appear to be an unusual topic, but it is the reality of learning to be intentional with our words. We must be mindful of how these words will play out in our relationships after HG is over.

As we wrap this blog post up, please remember our thoughts are frequently the source of our expectations. In cases where we believe the issue is minor, we will have expectations regarding the behavior of the people we love. If we believe they are capable of more, we will begin to look for more. The reality is that if our comments are anything like the ones above, then our expectations are incorrect. This is an opportunity to learn about your loved one and to love them through this difficult time. I don't want anyone to say anything today out of ignorance or miseducation that will taint their relationship going forward. Remember, HG, just like any other illness, is not a choice.

If you are a caregiver, check out our blog outlining suggestions for caregivers. Please know that we are thinking of you.

As Always,

Plant a Good Word